Reasons to stay in on Halloween...

Hurricane Ichabod.

If it rains, your home-made decoupage "The Mummy" costume could quickly turn into "The Mummy's Tomb" costume.

Someone needs to tell Mrs. Halestrom in 29B, chocolate covered cotton a treat does not make.

One of those eight year old vampires is real and you're not going to be the one to find out.

"Kneel before Zod" was really only funny at the comics convention.

Sure, an oxygen molecule costume is cool, but without your two brother's hydrogen costumes, it's just stupid.

Block Party

um, not coming out today...

Some days, I could use a drink. Other days, I could use more covers to hind under. Then there are those days you hide in the closet with a bottle of Jack and Pooh bear.

Things seem grim lately. Hurricanes, Social unrest and looting, Iraq and that flu you get from licking chickens. Today in the NY Times there's a story about how the polar ice caps are gonna be a big lake by 2050. Good for water sports and gold fish, bad for humanity. These are the days it's hard to be a comedian. How do I make jokes when I can't even get out of bed? How am I supposed to be funny while Dr. Phil is living in a 6 million dollar mansion? "That dog just won't hunt", to quote that spawn of Satan.

I suppose I get up off the floor and brush myself off. Then brush off the mountain of dog hair on my sweater, and I move on.

Why do I tell you this? I have no idea. It's in my head and I felt like throwing up. Mentally, that is.

Have a hell of a nice day.

Filling The Void

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit...busy busy.

Plus, I had to get a filling at the dentist, this morning. I thoud be typing like I sthpeak, but I won't. Evidently, it was a large cavity because half the construction crew form acroos the street came to help out my Dentist. I never knew a jackhammer had some many uses in dentistry.

Oy.

Anyhoo, I'm way behind on everything, so I don't have much to say. Later today I think of something entertaining for the three of you.

Tootle-loo.

C

Li'l Spencer has some gambling debts...

What's really going on with Dakota Fanning...

She's a descendant of a love tryst between two of the original Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz, and tragically, will not get any taller, only less cute and more shriveled.

Katie Couric is suing her for stealing her saccharine elfin likeness and using for it good, not evil.

She's a smurf.

Her I.Q. may be 145, but her cholesterol is 322.

Her father built her out of pieces of his 1967 Karmann Ghia, Baby Tender Love and hair from My Pretty Pony.

She's actually a 52 year old midget, named Gary, inside a Dakota Fanning suit. (If you look closely, you can see the zipper)

She's successfully hooked on phonics.

Li'l Spencer stops for a pop...

How to Become a Freelance Cartoonist

Hey kids! Wanna stay at home all the time? Wanna work in you pajamas and cry with Oprah? Well, pay attention! Here's some valuable tips:

Be sure to squander any valuable advice given to you regarding your education, budgeting of finances and overall social maturity.

Instead of working hard to bring up those grades in College, tell everyone to go fuck themselves and move to the most remote state in the Union. Wyoming or Idaho are a solid bet.

Decide you want to be a radio DJ, lie your way into an on air shift and then lie your way into your new found circle of friends.

At a post-shift cocktail hour, use your rent money to buy everyone rounds of something called a "Wyooter Hooter", every twenty minutes.

Discover the healing effects of Jack Daniels, Taco Bell and, well....More Jack Daniels.

Rejoice when you discover Taco Bell takes checks.

Cower when you become the first to be banned from writing checks at Taco Bell.

Call your Mom. Collect. Explain that this is the perfect time to cash in the savings bonds Grandma gave you two years ago.

Wake up one morning to find "Oh my God, I live in Wyoming!"...Or insert your state of choice, here.

Meet a girl at an after hours bar, decide she's the one and later that night, ask her nine year old daughter how she feels about you being her da...da...*hick*...Daddy.

Call Mom. Cry. Ask for a plane ticket home. Cry some more.

Live with your parents until you meet an amazing woman with social and economic responsibility. Ask her to marry you and support you while you become the next Bill Watterson. Let her buy you a house and a computer.

Kiss her everyday before she leaves for work to support your sorry ass.

"Go to Work" in your pajamas, at home...Watching Oprah, or as you like to tell everyone, "Collecting funny material".

Wax Nostalgic with friends and family about how important it was to move to Wyoming and "find yourself"

Walk around with your head held high, thinking you've made a pretty great life for you and your family.

Kiss your wife and thank her for letting you live a lie.

Why yes, I do do other things...

Heh. I said do do....

I have an illustration in the internet news 'zine, The Bollard, this week. Click on The Bollard's view. If you're interested in the happenings in and around Portland, ME, it's a great read. Also, if I don't mention this, I'll never hear the end of it: my friend, Liz Peavey does a fine bi-weekly column.

You owe me a beer, Peavey.

You can also pick up the November issue of Mad Magazine and see my latest installment of "Rob, The Evil Backstabbing Robot Temp".

That's enough plugging. This thing is turning into one of those "I draw things and you should look at them so let me shove them down your throat blogs".

I'll try to keep the force feeding to a minimum.

Unglued News 10.17.05

Mondays are weird....Well, let's back up. Fridays are stressful, mostly because of my afore-mentioned comic strip procrastination. Saturday mornings are filled with opportunities to get things done around the house. These things, of course, fail to materialize and we end up spending our afternoon at Gritty's. Sunday mornings are filled with opportunities to get things done around the house. These things, of course, fail to materialize and we end up spending our afternoon at Gritty's.

Mondays are weird.

On Monday, I have all the stuff I didn't finish on Friday, heaped on to the house and domestic stuff I drank away over the weekend. What makes Monday weird, though, is that I'm not worried about it....Or maybe, I don't care. Either way, it'll get done by Tuesday. This, then, leads to a pat on the back Wednesday, where I do very little...Then a Thursday where I spend the entire day thinking about what I needed to do all week and how I can pack into the next day... Annnnd we're back to a ball of stress I like to call Friday.

So, if you think about it, I'm only stressed out one day of the week. Now, if I took everyone's advice...Yes, everyone on the planet has given me advice... And I spread my work over the entire week, I'd be stressed out a little everyday. As opposed to enjoying the week and using Friday as a heart attack.

Right.

Well, it's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Cheers.

Unglued News 10.14.05

Thanks to our guest contributor, yesterday. Everyone will be happy to know that the cable and internet bills have been paid up to date. How is none of any of your concern.

Lots of people operate normal lives with just eight fingers.

Anyway, It's Friday, whick means a block party weekend on interent radio! Woo Hoo!... eighties music until you puke! You just don't hear enough "Men Without Hats" these days... Friday also means the cartoons I've push back all week are now due. Once I get enough coffee, Dristan and gin in my system, it should go swimmingly. They need to be done by 5pm, so I'll keep you posted if I make it.

BTW, if you're looking for a better, funnier and all around improvement to this blog, try Drink at Work. Those guys over there really know their funny...and alcohol, apparently.

Cheers and remember what my Brother-in-law always says: "Don't drink the milk, it's spoiled"

Corey

Dog Gone News 10.13.05

I've been asked to fill in this morning for "Mr. I work so hard I can't get out of bed". I'm amazed how hard someone can work without having an actual job. The guy never has any money. Last night, the cable AND the cable modem "went down" for "lack of payment", 15 minutes before the end of "LOST". I don't know what he does with his money, but it's not paying the bills. I mean, he's drunk half the time ...and that smell?....every here of a shower? Seriously, dude... just water gets you clean. We barely ever get fed around here. That stuff in the comic? The bacon and the bar and the cafe? Sets and props. That bacon gets re-used for every take. last time we used it, we had to spray it for bugs.

I wonder if Marmaduke is hiring. I here they feed they're cast Filet Mignon.

Anyway, he wanted me to show you a page from the calendar we're working on. The calendar I'm doing for FREE. I need a new agent...

copyright 2005 by Corey Pandolph dist. by UFS INC.

If I had a nickel for every usage of my image...y...I...I'm calling my agent...that's it, I'm done.

-Banks W. Offenborg

Unglued News 10.12.05

I finally got a page up where you can buy original Barkeater art: It's through paypal: Comics for sale. Dailies are $75 and Sundays are $150. Christams is coming!

I will be posting another Sunday on eBay for charity in the next few days, as well...

Today, I am working on the Barkeater Lake calendar. It'll feature 12 Sunday comics and go on the cafe press site. I imagine it'll be done by 2012. I'm also supposed to be working on the actual comic itself, however, I seem to write better under the stress of last minute panic. I imagine it'll all get done Friday, at precisely 4:59pm.

That's it and that's all.

Remember what my grandfather used it say:"It's not quittin' time 'til yer bleedin'."

Cheers!

Corey

Unglued news 10.11.05

I just got back from the hometown in upstate NY. We have some land that we'd like to build a small cabin on there, so we had to talk to the contractor about what we want. We could potentially own two houses. Can you say "Over our heads"? I knew that you could. The other thing about going home is the overall general weirdness. It's still the place I grew up, just with weird add-ons. Kinda like in Back to the Future 2, where it's still Hilldale (I think that's the name of the town) only there are all these retro-fits. So, I guess it's not true what they say: "You can't go back home"...You can, it's just a weird Michael J. Fox movie.

Speaking of skaky situations...yes, I know I'm going to Hell...as usual, the finaces of Corey Pandolph Conglomocorp, a subsidiary of my generous wife, are once again on shaky ground. Mad hasn't really been to keen on my latest submissions and Barkeater Lake is a 40 hour a week job that pays right around $25 a week. We'll just have to do some creative phone call dodging this week, coupled with a few items on eBay. No biggy...it's how I roll.

I'm pretty proud that I was able to raise $327 for Hurricane relief by selling some originals on eBay. I think I'll post another this week for the earthquake victims. It's fun to help out. It feels good to do something, even without having money. Speaking crappy art for sale, I'm going to start putting original Barkeater strips for sale soon. I think I'll put them on the new www.cpantoon.com site. Folks can pay through paypal. I'm toying with the idea of selling the dailies for profit, but the Sundays for charity. maybe a different charity every month. There will also be a Barkeater Sunday Calendar on the cafe press site soon...and the first BL book should be out in time for Christmas.

That's all for today...

You're all great people. Stay just the way you are. Class of '89 rocks!

Corey