Hey Everyone!

Want to be a cartoonist? A comedy writer? Work in TV and write screenplays?

Well, here’s a few points of advice to get you that golden ticket to candy-covered Hollywoodland success…

1. You can’t suck enough.

Take your best idea and dumb it down. And just when you think its dumbed enough, add a talking epileptic snake and a suicidal space giraffe from Venus.

2. Do not write your own jokes.

Why bother being original when you have everything you need at your fingertips? Simply grab some tried and true punchlines, some solid pop-culture references and foot note with “apologies to…” or “an homage to…”

Repeat daily.

Also, if you’ve run out things to “borrow”, just rerun your old work as “classics”. The blogosphere loves that shit.

3. Make sure you use yourself to plug yourself.

Use that blog to your benefit! It is your blog, after all. Fill it with YOUR critiques of YOUR work. Who better to praise the work of a genius, than the genius himself! Not comfortable with showing yourself off? Simple! Slant your writing with a self-loathing humbleness that would make Dr. Phil throw up. Everyone will love you for being so open and selfless.

4. Praise only those with connections.

With most of your energy focused on your own greatness, you’ll need to be frugal about who else you promote. Be sure they’re someone with not only connections, but connections that will directly benefit you and your career. Feign interest in their work and friendship until they return the favor through free promotion of your stuff on their blogs. Then be sure to use your own blog to point out when they do, so everyone will know.

5. Make sure everyone knows what celebrities and icons of your industry you run with.

Got a picture of a celeb at your book signing? An email from an industry icon of your chosen career set, or a video of you forcing yourself into a celebrity circle at a bar? Get those up on your blog now! Youtube that shit, man! Digg, email and Facebook all of it. People want to know how important the people are that you claim to know.

6. Talk about EVERYTHING that happens to you, on a daily basis.

You just went to the doctor for an oozing sore on your lower thigh? Taking a dump in a Fudruckers? Drinking water? Running a bath? Making sweet love to your imaginary spouse? Why do you think they made Twitter, cowboy? Get it up online, friend! Folks need to know this stuff, if you want them to visit your site, buy your books and anonymously comment on your blog.

7. Kill me.