What I lessons I will remember the next time I venture out into the Adirondack wilderness to procure my own Christmas Tree…

1. There’s a reason tree farms exist.

2. A 45 foot tree CAN be cut with a 14 inch hand saw, but really shouldn’t be.

3. Everything is smaller outside.

4. That perfect 7 foot Christmas tree atop that 45 foot monster is really 15 feet of sparse imperfection.

5. A lot of 45 foot trees split into three trunks near the top.

6. A 15 foot, tri-trunk tree weighs the same as Texas.

7. Walking backwards in snowshoes is suicide.

8. Your green plastic stand is no match for a Super Tri-Trunk Tannenbaum™.

9. No matter how much you struggle to stand your Tri-Trunk Godzilla, you will remain its bitch.

10. Trimming at this point is futile.

Merry Christmas, everybody! I’m going to go soak my body in suds and my liver in whisky.